Relationships - How to get more of what you want

In my previous post How to Get More of What You Want, I mentioned that I would be touching more on the  key areas in life.  Relationships is a BIG one!  In terms of energy, think about the relationships you have in your life.  Which relationships make you feel good?  Which ones drain you?  We are all unique, and you need to figure out what works for you!

This can be a touchy subject and it may strike a nerve with you.  I ask you to keep an open mind and look at your relationships in a different light.

I think of relationships this way:

The purpose of relationships is to sweeten life.  Relationships allow us to share our experiences with others.  Relationships are meant to bring out the best in each other.  Relationships are meant to be nourishment for our soul.

When that isn't happening, it is important to evaluate why?  What needs to change to bring harmony to the relationship?  It takes two to tango, remember, so even if you are willing to do what it takes, if the other person isn't willing, it may be time to make a decision.  I will give you an example from my own experience.

My relationship with my only sibling - my sister - has been interesting.   My sister and I have always been like oil and water and have rarely gotten along.  When we were kids, I thought that it would get better when we became teenagers.  Wrong!  Then I thought it would get better in our twenties.  Wrong!  I thought that it might get better in our thirties.  Wrong again!  It seemed I would do anything it took just to keep the peace.  I was just so tired of arguing and fighting.  I pretty much just took the abuse.

That is, until my oldest daughter was two and our middle daughter was a baby.  When my sister started cutting me down in front of my daughters, I knew this was not behaviour I wanted them to see.  This was their aunt being mean verbally and not the view I wanted them to have of her and I certainly didn't want them to think that this kind of abuse from anyone was acceptable.

First, I tried talking to her, and I asked her what it was that I do to make her so angry.  I asked her what I could do to make myself better so that we could get along.  She looked dumbfounded!  I think she realized she didn't have an answer.  She continued to point her finger at me and yet she had no answers.  I wrote her a few letters to no avail.  If she called, I never knew if it would be a good conversation or if I was just going to get more verbal abuse because she was in a "mood."  I realized that it was time for the relationship to be done.   Believe me - there were tears.  I grieved because I just wanted us to be friends.

I also began to realize after a visit with her (she lived several hours away) that I was left feeling depressed, as she totally zapped my spirit.  Raising children is hard enough, let alone being so down afterward.  I did not want to be a depressed mother.  It was then that I decided that the relationship must end.  For me, it was the best thing I ever did.  I was taking a stand.  There were family and close friends who didn't like what I was doing, but I had to let that go.  They were not in MY shoes.  They didn't see what I put up with all those years as it was usually when no one else was around that she would act out.

Friends

When you first meet someone you either have a feeling that you like the person or you don't.  Scientific research has proven that we make a decision about someone in only the first few seconds of meeting them.  Fascinating!  This is something we should all be more aware of.  We all need to learn how to be more discerning, because it is our feelings and intuition that let us know from the soul if something is good for us or not.  Try to let go of judgement here, and just trust that it means they are a match to you or they are not.  It isn't right or wrong, good or bad, it just is.

When you connect with someone, it happens because you may have the same interests or something similar going on in your life.  You are in vibrational harmony.  Sometimes, friendships can last many years.  Through the good, the bad, and the ugly, your friend is there.  But, over time, you may find that you no longer have much in common any more.  It isn't right or wrong, good or bad - it just is.  Energy is always changing.  It can not be created or destroyed, but it simply moves through form, into form, and out of form.

Because we are all individuals who are always experiencing new things every single day, we are a little bit changed.  Our values, opinions and even our beliefs can change.  Because we are individuals these things change at a rate that is unique to us.  When the energy between you and a friend changes a lot, you may not feel as close as you once did and you drift apart.

The saying is "Friendships are for a reason, season or lifetime."  That is determined by both parties.  When one or both no longer feels the relationship is beneficial, let it go and allow it to be what it is.  Sometimes a distance is needed and years down the road it can be picked up again.  Friends may come and go through your life and as you let go of the old ones, you allow new ones in.  It is a natural process of life.

Family

This is where we have no choice do we?  Who we have as family comes with being born!  For some, family are the most loving, supportive relationships they have.  For others, unfortunately, there is nothing but pain and despair.

It is up to you to make sure that you surround yourself with healthy relationships.  It is ok to have boundaries, and if there are unhealthy relationships, you must make some changes or adjustments. This is called self care.

This is a very touchy subject, as no one wants to speak up for themselves or voice their opinions, especially with family.   We need to think of relationships and who we choose to be around as self care and make sure that we are managing our relationships.

Let's digress for a minute.  Food nourishes the body, right?   Think of eating food - when we no longer like something or we become allergic to it, we must look after ourselves and stop eating it.  Or, does it make sense to go to an all-you-can-eat buffet and eat everything you don't like?  Not very good self care is it?  And besides, why would you want to do that to yourself?  So, relationships are nourishment for the soul.  Like food, only take what will sustain you, not drain you.  If a relationship is not working for you, communicate that just as you would let a chef know how you want your steak done.

So why do we torture ourselves so much with our relationships in our lives?  I have learned that with the ones that are draining or pointless for me, to either limit my time with them if they are family, or if they are friends just let the distance between visits grow.  Again, this is my experience and what works for me.  I am continually changing and growing.  I have always loved change, and feel stuck or stagnant if life isn't changing.  I take the good, leave behind what didn't work, and move on to the next project that fulfills me!

My advice - if there are toxic relationships in your life,  you can and should set limits.  Especially if you are emotionally drained after a visit.  This isn't black & white by any means, but learn that if you aren't taking care of yourself no one else will do it for you.  It is pointless to keep relationships going if they are not serving to bring out the best in each of you.  If you are finding that there are relationships in your life that are bringing out the worst in each other, it may be time to take a break!

Allow the old to fall away and better-suited relationships will stream into your life!  Please take responsibility to do your part (it does indirectly affect everyone around you) and nurture your soul with enriched relationships that bring out the best in both of you!